1st January 2020
The season of good will has passed us by again and we’ve now entered not only a new year but a new decade! Honestly, I can’t say I’m sad to see it go! It’s safe to say 2019 was full of many challenges, the beginning of the year was particularly difficult . I’m not a drinker but an overwhelming urge to get very pissed to see the year out came over me and I almost obliged it. I’d been feeling like that for a few days perhaps because I didn’t want to reflect on the past year as we tend to do at new year, numb the senses for a day and avoid the difficult shit we don’t want to deal with.
It’s not my style, I walk towards the mess and deal with it head on, but this was different, I couldn’t help reflecting on the past 12 months and feeling sad. I was spending New Year at home with my daughters and I really didn’t want to get all emotional and depressing around them especially on New Years Eve, especially after how hard we’ve all worked, especially when we have achieved so much and there are now so many positive things ahead of us.
I’ve been so focused, so gut determined and so strong even though there were times when I felt like curling up in a ball and giving up, I let it all wash over me and I kept pushing. It all seemed to catch up with me and bubble to the surface as the year end approached, despite the achievements I didn’t want to celebrate the year or the achievements what I felt most was all the pain I hadn’t acknowledged, the suppressed grief I didn’t deal with at the time and suddenly all I wanted to do was feel sorry for myself!
I planned it strategically so I didn’t bring the mood down for everyone else and I didn’t want to be low on new years eve and hungover today – new years day. but I needed to do what I needed to do for myself, I needed to wallow in some self-pity, feel sorry for myself, allow myself to feel the grief and for an hour or two feel the pain I never let myself feel. So, on 30th December my girls were busy together in the flat enjoying food, films and laughter. I was enjoying spiced rum and ginger beer doing something I never (very, very rarely) do, looking at the shit!
I didn’t need to get drunk, I didn’t even get emotional or wallow in self pity I just let myself think about things I’d pushed away and hadn’t dealt with, acknowledge them and let them go. I’d built the whole thing in to something dark, difficult and depressing when it turned out to be liberating. I’d freed myself and at the same time forgive myself for any mistakes I made through the year that had been sitting heavy on my shoulders.
Getting through Christmas on the tightest budget ever, making a choice I have never had to make before – food or presents for my children hit me really hard. I think that’s what dragged up all these horrible negative feelings and emotions. What I failed to see was how far I have come personally, the personal battles I fought along with the external battles. I failed to see my family were proud of me for not giving up, that presents didn’t matter this year because we still have our home, our farm, our animals and each other. I also failed to recognise all the abundance we have in our life.
There is so much to be grateful for especially at this time of year, everyone has struggles and hard times but even now we have much more than most. Sometimes the battles we have in our own heads make it easy to blow things out of proportion.
New years eve was just beautiful my girls made it so special, we spent it out in the top garden wrapped in blankets around the firepit with music, laughter and at midnight sparklers. I went off to bed at 1am feeling so happy and blessed looking forward to the year ahead and all of it’s challenges.
Even though the year ahead is still uncertain for us as we continue to fight to keep our farm, our home and beloved animals I’ve walked into it ready for anything, moving forward and keep moving forward is the only way.
Happy New Year to you, I hope it is prosperous, abundant and brings you everything you aim to achieve.